Kind-Of Romantic Comedies for People Who Kind Of Don’t Like Romantic Comedies

For someone who’s pretty sure she doesn’t like romantic comedies, I sure have seen all of them. As in, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen just about every classic rom-com, plus a few of the ones no one would ever venture to call classics, plus a few of those weird ones literally no one has ever seen that exist in infinity on Netflix.

Most of them were not very fun, or good, or anything. Some of them have a certain charm, I guess, but in much the same way as you can think that a family Christmas party objectively has charm at the same time you want to spend exactly zero minutes attending it. In short, I have long assumed I am Not A Fan of the romantic comedy.

So imagine my surprise when I was thinking up my list of all time favorite movies and I realized several of them are, categorically, rom-coms, kind of. And thus I must kind of like romantic comedies after all? Or at least only kind of not like them.

Without further ado, here they are: Kind-of romantic comedies for people who kind of don’t like romantic comedies.

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How to Have No Free Time and Not Drown in Sadness

Lately, I have had no free time. By “lately,” I of course mean “since November, when I decided that combining going to school full-time with an internship and a job and some freelance copyediting was a good idea.”

Both because I am a glutton for punishment and the idea of quitting anything or truly letting anyone down gives me the sweats, I have not dropped any of these responsibilities. All of this means that something has got to give, and that something has been my free time, and in turn all of my hobbies, interests, and stupid research holes I spend four hours in.

Every once in a while, when I do find a precious, precious spot of free time, I have felt legitimate stress to use it to its very fullest. Over the past five months (and god help me how has it been only five months), these are some of the solutions I’ve found.

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Screw This, I’m Going to Florida

Those familiar with the television program The Office (U.S.), which is to say every single person who has so much as glanced at a Twitter feed or made passing eye contact with someone with a Netflix subscription, may be aware of a certain subplot in which a few members of our beloved gang of beleaguered paper company employees travel to one of the closest things America has to a tropical paradise: Florida. (Sigh.)

While there, one of their numbers — Stanley, given a blessed portrayal by Leslie David Baker — really goes all in on the Florida aesthetic. He wears sunglasses; he drives a convertible with the top down; he truly rocks myriad Hawaiian shirts. Generally, he seems unwilling and unable to give two sh*ts.

And, in just six weeks, I plan to become him.

My roommate and I are moving to Florida.

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The Only Thing I Care About Is Harvard Square’s Milk Bar

There is a genre of online content known as “oddly satisfying videos.” These are the weird clips of disembodied hands doing strange activities that clog your discover page on any given social media platform.

Image result for site:milkbarstore.com birthday cake
birthday cake (credit: Milk Bar)

For most of these, I believe the word “oddly” applies to the word “satisfying” in that I am utterly mystified as to how any of them could be categorized as in any way soothing or pleasurable to watch. Soap cutting? Don’t care. Slime videos? Off-putting at best. Those weird, inexplicable piles that I can only describe as knockoffs of cult classic as-seen-on-TV item Moon Sand? Mostly just make me recollect the Moon Sand my mother made me throw away when I was 11.

But there is one oddly satisfying subgenre I will fully admit to enjoying, and that is the cake decorating video. I would watch armless hands frost and adorn sweet treats while cheerful instrumentals play until the end of time. Although that might just be because I like cake.

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Celebrity Couples That Haunt Me

I am an unapologetic consumer of celebrity gossip. There is nothing that delights me more than the tangled webs our stars weave before our very eyes. The joy I get from a new installment in The Cut’s gossip column, or from an Instagram stalk that makes me aware that the creative directors of Bumble are sisters, and also the daughters of musician David Foster, who is currently dating the actress/singer Katharine McPhee, who is younger than said creative directors, and that 69-year-old Foster is newly divorced from Yolanda Hadid, of Housewives/being Bella and Gigi’s mom fame.

Tangled webs, I tell you.

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Vampire Weekend is evergreen and so is Ezra Koenig’s Twitter

I do not love many things. This can largely be blamed on the fact that I am a cynical monster, subsisting on a diet of negativity and sadness, pessimistically roaming through life, crushing earnest appreciation in my wake.

Or something.

However, when I love, I love HARD. One of the subjects of my pure adoration (or obsession — whatever you want to call it) is the darling of the wannabe-indie middle schooler known as Vampire Weekend. I have loved them from afar for six years, BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T RELEASED ANY MUSIC IN SIX YEARS.

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Grocery Store Cookies: The Definitive Ranking

I love cookies. This fact probably forms one of the cornerstones of my personality, alongside my semi-nocturnal sleep schedule and my hatred of the B line. Another sad fact of my life is that I am debilitatingly lazy when it comes to cooking. Meals I have eaten this week include: half a bagel; three mandarin oranges, paired with a handful of tortilla chips; one of those Chewy granola bars that are basically candy.

Basically, we’re thriving.

All of this means I never have cooking and/or baking ingredients on hand, because they would absolutely expire before I used them up. Which means I am forced to seek out a homemade-esque cookie alternative elsewhere.

That is where the grocery store comes in. Most grocery store chains have some sort of eerily identical allegedly homemade cookie, in the following varieties: chocolate chip, M&M (or whatever generic word meaning M&M suits your fancy), oatmeal chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, sugar, peanut butter, brownie.

In an astonishingly short amount of time, I have managed to try each and every one of these cookies. Except oatmeal raisin. Oatmeal raisin cookies are simply granola bars.

Now, it’s time to rank them. This will be done through a rubric based on chewiness (a must), overall flavor (obviously), whether they are somewhat gross (an occupational hazard of factory-line desserts), and if I could make quick work of a whole bag.

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Christmas Items at Target: A Review

There are very few purely, truly, unambiguously one hundred percent Good things in this world. It is the nature of living. But there are fully good things to be found. That picture of Orlando Bloom delightedly bicycling with a small dog in a makeshift Babybjörn, for instance. Or the cinematic masterpiece Zendaya is Meechee.

Three such gifts to humanity are Target, Christmastime, and ridiculous and unnecessary items that cost less than $10. As Justin Bieber once said, “It’s the most beautiful time of the year”: the time when the Target dollar spot is transformed into a shrine to yuletide.

The only thing that could make these items better is a full, thoughtful, very serious review.

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Keeping Up with Faraway People

I hate beginning friendships, but I love maintaining them. There are few things as great in this world as talking to someone you may not have spoken to in a while, but whom you know you could pick up with like no time had passed at all. In fact, probably only two things are better: warm cookies, and that occurrence when you get inside and just as you get in the sky opens up and boom torrential rain, but it couldn’t get you, because you are more powerful than nature itself.

Anyway. It’s not always easy to keep up with people who aren’t physically near you, but it is worth it, both because it’s nice and it makes going home for the holidays a hell of a lot less awkward. You try meeting up with your old group of friends if you’ve ghosted them for a semester.

Not cute. Here are five tips to avoid that direness.

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When Your Roommate is Your Best Friend

I hate making new friends. It is awkward, and stressful, and involves “putting yourself out there” and “taking risks,” two of my all-time least favorite activities. Also, like most things I hate, I am bad at it.

Which is why after my freshman year of college, I decided to leave a place where I was comfortable and had friends and knew people and was so close to home I could go home any weekend. It makes complete sense that I would abandon that for a city six to eight hours away where I knew no one and would be living with total strangers.

Especially considering the fact that I handled my first new-college experience very well. (Narrator: She did not handle it well.)

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