Vampire Weekend is evergreen and so is Ezra Koenig’s Twitter

I do not love many things. This can largely be blamed on the fact that I am a cynical monster, subsisting on a diet of negativity and sadness, pessimistically roaming through life, crushing earnest appreciation in my wake.

Or something.

However, when I love, I love HARD. One of the subjects of my pure adoration (or obsession — whatever you want to call it) is the darling of the wannabe-indie middle schooler known as Vampire Weekend. I have loved them from afar for six years, BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T RELEASED ANY MUSIC IN SIX YEARS.

Finally, now, the drought is over. Vampire Weekend has begun releasing new music, in the form of two singles; they’ll put out two more this month, two more next month, and then, mercifully, miraculously, drop the album, Father of the Bride.

I am so excited that I am often abruptly overwhelmed by the need to shriek in public.

Upon announcing the album title, the band elaborated, “In typical VW fashion, the title has multiple layers of meaning, expressing the band’s signature paradox: creating songs that easily find a home on any playlist — or car radio, TV show, film soundtrack, airport PA, etc. — but reveal their complexities upon closer listening,”

A similar statement could be made about another object of my adoration: Vampire Weekend frontman Ezra Koenig’s Twitter account. Like that of his band, its content production has slowed significantly in the last six years, but that doesn’t mean the vintage tweets are any less genius. Because that’s what they are. Genius.

Let’s take a tour.


Most Likely to Make Me Consider Successful Narrative Nonfiction and Also Human Mortality

In the study of writing, there is a concept called “writing with gold coins.” This is a style choice in which the author keeps the reader engaged by occasionally inserting humorous, entertaining, or interesting moments into the narrative. If I were naming Ezra Koenig’s early-to-mid 2010s Twitter account, I would name it “A Whole Ton of Gold Coins, Like On The Level Of That Pool That Scrooge McDuck Dives Into,” because they are all humorous, entertaining, and interesting, and also answer age-old questions about philosophy and the afterlife.


Most Likely to Be the Best Physical Education-Based Life Advice You Ever Receive

The power of this work of literature lies in its applicability. Sure, it sets itself up as “back 2 school advice,” but I challenge anyone to name any situation in which dunking wouldn’t be among the top 5 coolest things you could do. And don’t even get me started on the potential metaphorical significance here. The literary canon is quaking.


Most Likely to Have a Lasting Effect on Me to the Eternal Chagrin of My Loved Ones and Acquaintances

For years, I have plagued friends, family members, romantic partners, passersby, and complete strangers with my inability to make a decision. “It literally doesn’t matter,” they plead. “Just tell me where you want to eat/what you want to do/which of the seasonal decorations I picked up at Target you prefer.” When I am physically incapable of doing so, it often begs the question, “Why are you like this?” Finally, I have an answer: It is because this Ezra Koenig tweet has been part of me since May 21, 2013.


Most Likely to Provide Spiritual Comfort Through Text Slang Abbreviation

If you ever feel overwhelmed with the negativity of the world, and the weight of human suffering, and all of the social and economic and foreign policy problems that are patiently waiting, unsolved, for our generation to come to power, just do what I do: Know that somewhere, probably in a quiet, minimalist apartment in a cosmopolitan city, in the presence of a baby that is fifty percent Rashida Jones, Ezra Koenig’s H continues to S.


Most Likely to Achieve Teen Pop Sensation Levels of Poetic Lyricism

Poetic. Powerful. Lyrical. Heartbreakingly real. These are all words that could describe the song “Down To Earth” by Justin Bieber, if you’re a twelve-year-old me, or this mind-blowing work of art by Ezra Koenig, if you’re anyone in the world at any age.


Most Likely to Comprise My Entire Philosophical Worldview

Throughout human history, philosophers, politicians, and artists have reckoned with life’s biggest questions. What is the purpose of humanity? What is the meaning of life? What makes a life worth living?

I can find the answers to all of those questions and the sum total of my entire worldview in these two tweets.


Honorable Mentions

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